Today is day 64 of becoming a new me.....
64 days ago I started a journey to lose weight. I knew the journey would entail facing all the issues / demons I have regarding my past, that lead to me putting the weight on.. I guess I wasn't really prepared for just how confronting and consuming the journey would be...
So far I have lost 7 kgs..
In place of the 7 kgs I have developed a healthy love of the gym, (most days) and a playful competitiveness against myself and my previous results and times...
Losing weight has been on my 'to-do' list for some time. However with a large task I think we often put it off - because it is too big - or we can start tomorrow - or in my case I would eat well all week and then not see any results - so I would deem the whole practise to be a worthless exercise in self cruelty.
However 64 days ago something changed in me. I think something has been changing in me everyday since then too. I am proud that I have stuck with it this long. I am proud that I am starting a new life style - not just a diet.
The pride I have found for myself is a new and foreign concept to me.
To congratulate myself and be proud was the first step in finding me. I realised that over the last few years I have been anything but my own best friend. I have been treating myself less than I would ever want my friends or loved ones to treat themselves... I would be quick to judge and criticise myself. I would be in a constant state of disgust at my hopelessness and lack of success..
I didn't even really realise it until one day at work..
I work 12 hour shifts and aim to fit in at least 35 min of exercise on my breaks during the day (for example: 13 mins first break, 10 mins second break, 12mins last break) ((breaks are 30 minutes long)) it is a hard routine to keep up as the breaks are not negotiable - 1 minute late back has you in the hot seat and the breaks still need to include a toilet stop, food and a water bottle top up...
On this one particular day in the last 64 - I found myself leaving the change room totally disgusted with myself - I even caught myself saying - hopeless idiot - only had one goal to achieve today and all you could manage to do is 28 mins...
Then a part of me stood up to defend me that I had not previously met. It said - Lay off - you have achieved 28 minutes of hard work out time today - you should be proud.
I was stunned. I was also intrigued. Who was that? Where did that come from? Was it really alright to be proud of myself? Could I just let myself off the hook with a well done? It seemed wrong to skip over the self hatred....
And yet it felt so good.
How could I access this inner strength more often? It had felt so good it was like needing a hit of some fantastic drug again....
This was the day I started to like myself again, and realise I have inner strength.
Even with out the 7 kg weight loss - that moment alone made the last 64 days worth while.
I now have a bigger goal of trying to find love for myself now..... It feels weird to even say that - foreign - we are taught at a young age that 'loving yourself' is a sign of a big ego - or something just rude and wrong.
I believe though that loving yourself is as basic as treating yourself as you would your best friend, your lover or your sister. You are there for you and you accept and encourage you with kind words.
New me here I come.... New me - you are doing a great job!
This might be good time to mention the following website: http://futureme.org/ if you need some extra motivation - or even just a laugh - give this a go.
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