The path to losing weight (serious weight - not just 5 kgs for summer) is paved with emotional land mines.
Generally speaking no-one just gets fat because they don't have a good nutritional understanding. It is generally a long path of bad eating, over eating and comfort eating.
For most people getting fat is directly related to pain - whether they can identify that pain or not. Whether they have ever considered it or not, over eating and late night eating (just like drinking alcohol or taking drugs) is to numb a pain - a discomfort - or a general sense of lacking - or a need of something - perhaps I will get it from this packet of chips - or ice cream etc.
Something interesting I have noticed about myself is when I catch a glimpse in the mirror and notice I am shrinking - or there is less of me - I have a fleeting moment of panic.
I should be elated! I should be excited - however something in me always screams - I am losing me!!
I think the extra weight has been like a security blanket for me. You can't hurt me if you can't really see me.
This is something that I am working through and analysing. I need to let go of what ever is making me think and feel that.
One memory that springs to mind is - a day we were walking back from the beach (mum, dad, my sister and I) and we stopped in the street to speak with some locals (the gossiping locals, who were always on the look out for something new to spread) and dad made a point of commenting on and joking about the size of my thighs, and the wobble they had in front of everyone (I was about 10 or 11 years old).
They were all laughing and I was left standing there mortified. I had felt free and uninhibited during that walk before that moment.
I think that something changed in me that day. To protect myself from my dad - I need to hide myself from him. I still feel it today 20 years later - when he looks at me he judges me - he thinks his comments are funny - but really they are heartbreaking and soul destroying.
However I am now on a path that allows me to convert that pain into a positive. The strength I have had to muster over the years to deal with a man like that has made me a better person. I am not going to be bitter about it - or give him any power over me and my spirit.
I am going to use it as fuel on my fire. Call me fat did you, well look at me now.
Generally speaking no-one just gets fat because they don't have a good nutritional understanding. It is generally a long path of bad eating, over eating and comfort eating.
For most people getting fat is directly related to pain - whether they can identify that pain or not. Whether they have ever considered it or not, over eating and late night eating (just like drinking alcohol or taking drugs) is to numb a pain - a discomfort - or a general sense of lacking - or a need of something - perhaps I will get it from this packet of chips - or ice cream etc.
Something interesting I have noticed about myself is when I catch a glimpse in the mirror and notice I am shrinking - or there is less of me - I have a fleeting moment of panic.
I should be elated! I should be excited - however something in me always screams - I am losing me!!
I think the extra weight has been like a security blanket for me. You can't hurt me if you can't really see me.
This is something that I am working through and analysing. I need to let go of what ever is making me think and feel that.
One memory that springs to mind is - a day we were walking back from the beach (mum, dad, my sister and I) and we stopped in the street to speak with some locals (the gossiping locals, who were always on the look out for something new to spread) and dad made a point of commenting on and joking about the size of my thighs, and the wobble they had in front of everyone (I was about 10 or 11 years old).
They were all laughing and I was left standing there mortified. I had felt free and uninhibited during that walk before that moment.
I think that something changed in me that day. To protect myself from my dad - I need to hide myself from him. I still feel it today 20 years later - when he looks at me he judges me - he thinks his comments are funny - but really they are heartbreaking and soul destroying.
However I am now on a path that allows me to convert that pain into a positive. The strength I have had to muster over the years to deal with a man like that has made me a better person. I am not going to be bitter about it - or give him any power over me and my spirit.
I am going to use it as fuel on my fire. Call me fat did you, well look at me now.
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ReplyDeleteWow you really said a lot in that post :) I have issues with my dad too, and it really hurts to feel like the first most important man in your life doesn't accept how you look.
ReplyDeleteI also relate to the anxiety about losing yourself. I have lost over 100 pounds but I am still heavy. When I try to imagine being, say, 160 pounds, I sometimes feel anxiety about being "little" and more vulnerable.
Thanks for such a thought-provoking post!
Thanks for you comments Catherine!(they came through twice so I deleted one) It is lovely to feel a connection to someone in a similar situation, and to know that someone is taking the time to read my blog.
ReplyDeleteI believe losing weight and keeping it off is a battle of a life time - however once we conquer it - look out world! - there is nothing holding us back.
Congratulations on your loss of 100 pounds! That is fantastic! (I believe that is about 45 kgs) a phenomenal effort. You should be proud of yourself. Good luck with your continuing journey, I look forward to hearing about your progress.